The Story Behind My Son’s Death

It has been 1 year, 8 months, and 28 days since my son’s death – the day that would change me and my family’s life.

I have not been present on my blog that I worked so hard to grow since 2020 due to everything that has been going on in my personal life.

Here’s a recap of the chaos: The army moved us from Fort, Leonard Wood, MO to Fort Moore, GA while I was in my third trimester of pregnancy. We welcomed our second baby girl, Kennedy (Keni), in Georgia and found out I was pregnant with our son 3 months after Keni was born. Emory (Emi), our oldest, at the time was only 2 years old.

So you could only imagine what a shocking and stressful time it was for my family.

We’re Having a BOY!

Long story short, I wanted a gender reveal for this baby and wanted both of us to be surprised (again).

*Insert Keni’s gender reveal in Missouri

However, Vince was antsy and wanted to know the gender of our new baby so we agreed he would be the gender keeper.

Fast forward to our gender reveal, he poured paint on me revealing the gender of our baby. I’ll attach the video for Carson’s gender reveal below.

Carson Beau

Vince and I had a terribly hard time agreeing with a boy name. Neither of us were prepared to have a boy.

I think I had a list of girl names already from the previous two times so if we were expecting another girl, it would be too easy.

We agreed on Carson Beau. I have always loved the name Carson for a boy or a girl. And Vince chose his middle name.

On January 25, 2023 my dreams of having a son came true. He came out so chunky with a head full of hair.

However, he had fluid in his lungs and heavily relied on the CPAP machine so they transported him to a different hospital better equipped for babies that need extra care. The hospital he was born at did not have a NICU.

I got to hold Carson for the first time when I visited the NICU the next day after my third c-section. He was there a total of 3 days.

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Carson and His Sisters

Carson came home on January 28, 2023 and got to meet his two sisters. At the time Keni was only 11 months old and Emi was 2 years old about to be 3 that March.

The girls were in love with their new baby brother. All of the videos and pictures I have of them in my phone will forever be cherished because that is all I have left now.

Even as little as Keni was during the time Carson was here with us, she always showed so much affection for her little brother.

I post a lot about Emi and her grief on my YouTube and Instagram because she was at the age where she remembers Carson and knows that he went to heaven to be with Jesus. She talks about Carson very often and draws pictures of him.

The ER Trip

On March 30, 2023, Vince and I noticed that Carson’s right inner leg was inflamed. It looked like a bug bite.

He was running a fever and not eating well so we decided it was best to take him to the ER.

I am so thankful we acted quickly because when we arrived, they took a blood sample from him and found out that he was septic. His organs were shutting down and needed to be transported to the other hospital (the hospital where he stayed at after birth) because they had a PICU (pediatric intensive care unit).

Come to find out, the abscess on his inner leg that looked like a bug bite had gotten infected and developed into cellulitis.

The Hospital Stay

On March 30, that evening I met Carson at the other hospital in their PICU where he would be cared for. He had to have an emergency surgery that evening around 10pm where the doctor would place a drain in his thigh to help remove the puss.

For the next two days there was a lot of student doctors that would come in and out checking on him. Nurses would give him a sitz bath, give him medication, and take his vitals.

I stayed with him at the hospital worried sick that I was going to lose my baby. I felt like I had held my breath for the entirety of our hospital stay praying to God asking Him to heal my baby boy.

On March 30 and 31st his labs came back positive for MRSA. Then on April 1, he tested positive for the rhinovirus.

On April 2, 2023 early afternoon he was discharged from the hospital after fighting sepsis, going under general anesthesia, testing positive for MRSA, and the rhinovirus with a history of breathing issues at birth. Mind you he was only a little over 9 weeks old and no additional blood work or chest x-ray was given to him. (I believe this all contributed to my son’s death.)

On April 4 the pediatrician that had been taking care of him asked me to meet him at their children’s ER so that he could assess Carson’s drain and remove it.

Instead, an ER doctor on staff that day checked Carson and removed the drains with no further testing and was sent home.

The Morning of My Son’s Death

The morning of April 13, 2023, was such a great morning. My three babies and I sat around the dining room table eating breakfast. I was feeding Carson and just enjoying a slow morning with my babies.

Carson was in the swing while I was cleaning up and doing the dishes. He looked so cute I took a few pictures of him in there not knowing these would be some of the last photos I would have of him.

He did some tummy time after he digested his milk and this was actually the last picture I had of him alive in my phone.

My husband got home from work and hung out with the kids. It was time for Carson’s nap so he laid him down. Then he met us outside in the garage with the girls.

The Call

I left home to go to Chipotle to pick up dinner. While I was standing in line, already ordered my food, ready to pay is when I got the phone call from my mother-in-law. Out of breath and all she desperately says “Nahyun you need to get home now, you son’s not breathing”.

I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to vomit.

We live about 35 minutes from everything. But I put my hazard lights on and sped home.

When I got home, I saw the ambulance and Vince walking out to the front porch in extreme distress. He was terrified, hugged me, and kept apologizing.

I was confused, frightened, and in denial that any of this was happening.

The ambulance had taken Carson to the hospital closest to us. After gathering ourselves, we got in the car and drove to the hospital in complete silence.

All I could think was, “God you wouldn’t take my son. You are going to make sure he’s okay. There is no way I am going to lose my son. God please do something, I beg you.”

I was in complete desperation with the unknown.

The Waiting Room

We arrived at the hospital where we checked in at the front and someone escorted us to a private waiting area away from the main waiting room.

It didn’t seem right.

We were the only ones in the room. We were both crying and praying for our son to be okay.

A nurse came in and I asked to see my baby. She proceeded to tell me that they don’t allow parents to see babies in “that state”. After begging to see him, the nurse brought me to the little room where Carson laid in an incubator gray and lifeless.

The nurses were doing compressions on him for quite some time.

I fell to my knees and held his cold hands crying out to God for a miracle. Why God? Why not me – why him.

I became uncontrollably emotional. They had to escort me back into the private waiting room where I felt like I just wanted to die. When I saw Carson at that moment I knew he was already gone.

“I Am So Sorry”

*Trigger warning. There are pictures of Vince and I holding Carson for the last time who is not alive at the time.

The next thing I remember is the ER physician coming in to give us the words no parent wants to hear, “I am so sorry”. He proceeded to tell me, “things like this happens”. Are you kidding me?

I didn’t want to accept it. No. There is no way. Do something else to bring him back to life!

They brought us in to see Carson one last time. The nurse asked “would you like to hold your son one last time?”.

We each held Carson for some time. I wanted to hold him forever and never let go.

I could not believe my life. We walked to our car and I had to vomit. I was sick. He was sick. We were both in complete disbelief. How our life could change in just short few hours.

I can’t even tell you what I was thinking during the car drive home. I don’t even remember it.

After My Son’s Death

All I remember is just shortly after we got home, the coroner and sheriffs showed up to our house to get information about what happened and the details leading up to my son’s death.

I couldn’t believe how quick they were to come to our house and ask about Carson’s death.

The sheriffs separated Vince and I and questioned us. They took the sheet Carson was laying on to test it. And the coroner asked us more questions together. He asked us if we wanted to send Carson off for autopsy which was an obvious answer for us.

He then told us the next steps in terms of moving his body back over here (he would be sent off to a different city for the autopsy) to be embalmed if we wanted to do a funeral service for our baby. We were given some time to choose a funeral home.

Once we chose one, we would get back to the coroner, and then be connected to the funeral director where we would proceed with planning the service.

Carson’s Memorial Service

On April 17, 2023 we had a meeting with the funeral director to bring the outfit we wanted Carson to be wearing for his open casket. They suggested we bring a hat for him because of the condition his head was in after the autopsy. We also had to pick an urn for his ashes.

The lady that worked there assured us that a small urn would fit all of Carson’s ashes but it didn’t. Once we got his ashes back in a box, some of his ashes were in the small urn and the rest were in a clear bag in the box.

Carson’s memorial service was on April 20, 2023. I could not believe my son had died let alone planning what songs the funeral home was going to play at his funeral, what he was going to wear, and planning his celebration of life.

I am so thankful that our family photographer who had taken two of our maternity photos, newborn lifestyle when Carson was born, offered to take photos at his service.

Pictures by Samantha Meza Photography

We had friends fly out and drive from different states to support us. People we haven’t seen in a while showed up for Carson. The sermon was uplifting.

But overall, it was a day I wish we never had to experience.

Carson’s Autopsy Report

Months went by and we got nothing about Carson’s autopsy report.

We had a feeling it wasn’t going to be SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) because of how long it was taking. The night Carson passed away, the coroner had said autopsy reports are quicker with babies but it might take up to 6 months.

6 months go by and we got his autopsy report stating he passed away from pneumonia.

My Thoughts On His Death

When we received his autopsy report, I had no idea how to feel. So many thoughts flooded my head.

I felt so much guilt. I should have demanded another blood work and chest x-ray. Maybe I could have asked for a longer stay at the hospital to be on the safe side. Why didn’t I just hold him for his nap? What could I have done to prevent my son’s death?

April 13, 2023 changed our lives. It changed our family. It affected our marriage. His death changed Vince and I individually forever.

I knew that Vince went to wake Carson up from his nap where he found him unresponsive and had to perform CPR on our son. But it later came to life that our oldest daughter Emi was right by her baby brother as Vince was performing CPR petting his head letting him know, “it’s okay”.

I hate that we lost our son. I hate that my husband had to experience the level of trauma that comes with performing CPR on your own baby. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I hate this for my family every day.

Carson Beau’s death was a tragedy that I feel could have been prevented.

I feel that there was a lack of follow up care. The length of stay at the hospital for a very sick baby his age was extremely short.

There should have been a follow up blood work to ensure the bacteria left his body. And Carson most definitely should have had a chest x-ray given his NICU history, testing positive for the rhinovirus, and being put on general anesthesia for the drain placement.

Closing

Just 9 days after his drain removal Carson Beau did not wake up from his nap.

His death didn’t just affect Vince and I individually. It affected our daughters especially our 4-year-old. It affected how we are as parents to our girls while grieving the loss of our son for the rest of our lives.

Carson’s death affected our community, our friends, and extended family.

Through his death and at our lowest is where we were met by God’s comfort. Well how can you serve and love a god that allowed this to happen? That’s a whole other blog post for another day.

I was so angry at God initially. But He didn’t do this. The sins of Adam and Eve did.

Our sweet, beautiful baby boy was just 11 weeks old when he passed away. There is not a day that goes by where we don’t think about him. But we know he is wrapped in Jesus’s arms where he knows no evil and no sin.

Thank you for being here and for reading our baby’s story.